


Of apologies and understanding

by inflowers



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:09:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22859002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inflowers/pseuds/inflowers
Summary: What happened after 16x14.
Relationships: Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 4
Kudos: 131





	Of apologies and understanding

Levi goes to Nico’s apartment after his shift, because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He hasn’t been to his mom’s house since he left, and this isn’t the time to start trying to mend their relationship. He thinks about going to Taryn’s, but she’s still not completely healed, and he can’t bring himself to explain the situation to her. He thinks, maybe it won’t be so bad – he’ll go to Nico’s, curl up on the couch and fall asleep by the time Nico gets home. Then he can escape early the next morning. They won’t have to talk at all.

But of course, nothing really ever works out the way Levi thinks it will.

He does end up on the couch, watching mindless reality TV that once upon a time he would have been enthralled with, but tonight he just can’t bring himself to care. The leftovers he heated up are on the coffee table, untouched. He’s thinking about turning the television off and going to sleep when his phone starts buzzing on the table. Sighing, he picks it up and reads the message.

**_I’m sorry._ **

Of course he’s sorry. How could he not be, Levi thinks to himself. The issue isn’t whether he’s sorry or not, it’s everything else. How could Nico have lectured him, made him feel so less-than for not being out? How could Nico have walked out of that on call room, leaving Levi so confused and hurt when all along he knew how much of a hypocrite he was? But Levi knows that Nico is hurting too, and even with how angry he is, he’s not going to ignore him. He’s not going to run away from this, even though there is a small part of him that wants to hurt Nico like he’s hurting.

_I know._

It’s a few minutes before Nico responds, and truthfully Levi wasn’t even expecting a response. He assumed Nico sent the text during a small break in dinner, so he was expecting that they would just talk tomorrow.

**_I want to tell them. I want them to know how happy I am. But I’m so scared._ **

_I know, Nico. We can talk about this later. Just be with your family._

**_Are you at home?_ **

_I’m at your apartment, but I’ll go home if you want._

**_No, that’s what I meant when I asked if you were at home. I want you to be there when I get back._ **

_You can’t call it my home when you’re always talking about how you want me to leave, Nico._

Levi doesn’t want to have this conversation via text message, but he’s frustrated. Nico can’t have it both ways. He can’t expect Levi to be here only when it’s convenient for Nico, only when Nico wants it. That’s not fair to Levi, and it just causes him confusion and hurt. He tries to be open and vulnerable and honest with Nico, who he knows struggles with the same, but it so often feels as though Nico just throws that back in his face. If the only way he can get Nico to talk about his feelings is via text, then he’ll take whatever he can get.

_Do you get how confusing this is for me? I feel like you want me and then you don’t and then you do again and I don’t know where we stand because sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all._

**_I’m sorry._ **

_I know you’re sorry. But I don’t know where we go from here._

**_I do want you. I always want you._ **

_Do you? Because you don’t want me in your home and you don’t want me when I’m talking to you about all the things I want and you don’t want me to meet your family so it’s hard to believe that you want anything from me other than sex._

Levi chews his fingernail as he waits for Nico to respond. He hadn’t realised before, but the TV has shut itself off with the sleep timer and the room is completely dark now, with no noise other than the pounding of his own heart inside his chest. He doesn’t want to do this; he doesn’t want this to be the end. But he thinks – no, he knows – that he deserves better than this. And he had told Nico as much, months ago. He told Nico that he deserves better, and months later, Nico told Levi to demand better of himself. Well, this is Levi demanding better _for_ himself.

_I can’t do this anymore, Nico. I’m going to go back to my mom’s. I’ll see you at work._

**_Please don’t leave. Just stay. I want you there. I’ll be home soon._ **

He doesn’t respond because he doesn’t know what to say. He thinks over his options. He could go home, but that would mean explaining this to his mom and he just doesn’t have the energy for that. But does he have the energy to fight with Nico? Again? Does he have the energy not to say something he might regret, can he put himself through potentially hearing things he doesn’t want to hear? He thinks over it for so long that by the time he’s made up his mind, he doesn’t have a choice anymore. He hears a key in the lock and his head turns towards the door just as Nico is walking through it. He can’t really see him, it’s too dark. But he senses Nico standing at the entry to the living room. And Nico can sense him too.

“I know you’re still here, Levi.”

Levi shuffles on the couch, moving his feet up towards himself in a silent invitation for Nico to sit, and he does. Nico switches on the lamp beside the couch, and Levi takes a minute to take in the strain on Nico’s face. He looks like he’s aged five years in a few hours and it takes everything in Levi not to reach out and try and smooth out some of that pain.

“I love you.” Nico says quietly, staring straight ahead. It’s not what Levi was expecting to hear, but he never tires of hearing it. “You know that, right?”

“I know you think that you do.” Levi responds, equally as softly.

“No, Levi - ” Nico turns towards him, pulling his own leg up so their positions mirror one another. “I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. And that scares the hell out of me.”

“Sometimes it feels as though you don’t really like me.” Levi says, dragging his eyes away from Nico’s to stare at a fixed point on the wall in front of him. “Think about it, Nico. I annoy you, all the time. I’m so _much_. I feel _everything_. I talk _all the time_ and I make _so_ many mistakes. I can’t even do a central line without dropping the guide wire and you said yourself you don’t want to date someone who can’t do a central line so maybe it’s time you really asked yourself if you actually love me, or if you just love that I adore you.”

“That’s not fair.” Nico tries to protest, but he has to admit that Levi has a point. Nico has repeatedly made Levi feel as though he’s too much, so he can’t really blame him for feeling this way. “I know that I treat you badly sometimes.” And as Levi scoffs, Nico’s chest tightens. “Okay, maybe more than sometimes. But Levi – you – god, you’re everything to me. I just suck at showing it. I’ve never been good at this.”

“Why?”

“You know how I said my parents are critical? I meant it. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for them. I went to med school for them, not for me. I became a surgeon for them. Because I thought that if I could do that then maybe they would accept me, maybe that would be enough. But it wasn’t because I didn’t do it fast enough, because I didn’t graduate at the top of my class, because I moved to Seattle and got a job here instead of the number one ranking hospital in the country. And yet, I still try to get them to love me.”

“I’m sure they love you.”

“I wouldn’t know. They’ve never told me.”

Levi is stunned into silence, because he cannot fathom such a thing. He can’t fathom a parent who wouldn’t overbearingly shower their child with love. Even with all of the problems with his mother, he has never doubted that she _loves_ him, even if she struggles with certain aspects of who he is. “What?”

“Yeah.” Nico sighs heavily. “They’ve never told me they love me. They’ve never told me they’re proud of me. They just – maybe they do, maybe they are. But they don’t say it and they don’t show it so I’ve never known.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell them that you’re gay?” And suddenly things are starting to make more sense to Levi. He’s seeing a part of Nico he’s never seen before, and even in his hurt and confusion, he’s grateful that he’s the one privileged enough to see it.

“If I tell them, maybe that’ll be the last straw, you know? Maybe then they’ll confirm it.”

“Confirm what?”

“That they _don’t_ love me. That I’m not enough for them. I can handle not knowing, Levi. But I don’t know that I’m strong enough to handle it if I knew it was true.”

“Nico,” Levi reaches out and grabs his hand, because how could he not? He can see in the dim light of the living room that there are tears forming in Nico’s eyes, and he can see that the pain on his face isn’t just about tonight. It’s a lifetime’s worth of never feeling enough, all welling up and waiting to spill over.

“When I was a kid,” Nico starts, and he lets Levi hold his hand and allows himself to be comforted by the soft stroking, “after I realised I was gay, I thought … maybe this is _why_ they don’t love me. Because they know that I’m different, that I’m wrong. So I couldn’t tell them, because it would just make them _right_ not to love me. And that’s not right, is it?” Nico asks, unsure. Like he wants Levi to confirm that he’s worthy of being loved, that if his parents don’t love him then they’re the ones who are wrong.

And Levi, because he is who is he, does exactly that.

“If they don’t love you, that’s on them.” Levi says, moving closer to Nico on the couch. “You deserve to be loved. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re complicated and stubborn and drive me crazy but you’re also kind and generous and funny and so talented. There is so much good in you. If they don’t love you,” Levi reaches out and wipes a tear before it falls from Nico, “then it’s their loss.”

“Do you?” Nico asks so quietly, Levi almost misses it.

“Do I, what?”

“Love me. All of me.”

“More than you could ever imagine. Even when I don’t understand you. And I didn’t understand this, Nico. Because you made me feel so bad when I didn’t tell my mom.”

“I know, I - ” Nico goes to explain, before Levi cuts him off.

“Let me finish. I came out to her because I wanted her to know how happy you make me. Because she deserved to know the truth, and because I knew that whatever happened, I had you. You were going to be there. Remember when I told her? All you said was, ‘you’re amazing.’ And I didn’t understand it then, but I get it now. I understand how that was all just projection, and I understand how hard it must have been to see it be such a non-issue for my mom that all she did was give you soup.” Levi moves closer again, and he’s almost curled into Nico’s side as he continues. “You watched her mother me, and it never occurred to me that you hadn’t had the same kind of life as me. But I understand it now, how that was never about me. It doesn’t make it okay, but I get it.”

“I meant it. You are amazing. I was so – I was surprised, and yeah, I was jealous that it seemed easy for you to say. But mostly I was in shock at how proud I was of you. I thought I loved you before that Levi, but god... How I felt about you after that moment changed everything. I want to be that brave.”

“They’re _your_ parents, Nico. I can’t tell you what to do. But maybe they don’t deserve to know the truth. Maybe how things have been is the way they should be – I don’t want you to tell them just because you’re scared of losing me.”

“Am I going to lose you?” Nico looks at Levi with panic in his eyes, and it’s not a look Levi is familiar or comfortable with.

“Not right now.” Levi answers honestly, because he doesn’t have a crystal ball and he can’t tell the future. “Not over this. I’m hurt you didn’t tell me and I’m frustrated that I still feel like there’s so much I don’t know about you, but what I know for sure is that I _want_ to know everything else. And that means sticking around, so no. You’re not going to lose me.”

“I’m going to tell them.” Nico says after a few seconds of quiet. He says it louder than he means to, but maybe it’s because he knows he has to say it out loud to make it real. “It’s time they knew who I am.”

“Sleep on it.” Levi suggests, because he’s drained and he knows Nico is too. It’s not the time to be making life-altering decisions. “And if you still want to tell them in the morning, then you can tell them. Go to bed, Nico. You’re exhausted.”

“Will you come with me?”

Levi hesitates. He doesn’t want to fall back into old patterns. They still have so much they need to talk about. He still needs Nico to understand so much, and he still wants to talk about where their relationship is going. Levi almost stays on the couch. He almost does. But then Nico is there, standing up and stretching his long arms above his head before holding a hand out to pull Levi up, and all of a sudden Levi is standing and his arms are wrapping around Nico’s waist and he knows that tonight, regardless of whatever else is happening between them, Nico needs him.

And because Levi loves him, because Levi finally understands him, Levi follows him.


End file.
